*checks page count* ... Well, looks like I'm getting NO PEACE tonight... *jazz hands*
"DECLAN
Yeah, yeah. Your buttons are just
too easy to push."
Declan was always a hard character to figure out. I remember his flashback episode didn't help much for me either. However, it's nice to have him back.
"DECLAN
Yeah, well. Chrissie’s death was
the waste, too."
BUT SHE'S JUST A LITTLE GIRL! D:
"CHRISSIE. DEAD. Well, shit...
...And we see Declan’s obviously grieving in his own way.
Silently, brooding."
I think your "Previously on Eden Rising" is really good, but I think it'd be easier if you do what I do in scripts, and place the needed reminders here. So, "Chrissie is dead... She was the daughter of so and so last mentioned in episode so and so when so and so did so and so" etc. Does my madness make sense, mortal?!
"BENEDICT
None."
Ok, who the hell is Benedict?! Is he the priest? You're writing like we've met him and know him, but I can't seem to recall
"KELVIN
That’s a mighty big accusation
you’re throwin’ around... the
leader of our group... a child
murderer?"
I gotta remember 2 months or so have past... I was just thinking, "well, Kelvin's settled in nicely, eh?!" But since he's been there for two months this makes a lot of sense. I do wonder why he's never tried to get in contact with Ash, or return to the original group. Even just to say, "hello! I'm alive!". I know he didn't feel that important back with them and he clearly does now to this group, so I'll put it down to that.
"“HAVE A NICE DAY” by STEREOPHONICS plays. "
<3
"JESSIE
The people that live here --- they
set it up as like, a shooting
range. They used the signs to lure
in their prey, and then they’d
shoot ‘em down, bring ‘em in, chop
‘em up and eat ‘em. I was
traveling with... with some people
from school."
I wonder if Cutthroat Creek links with the disappearance of the kids... Long shot. but... Shush.
"FATHER WARDEN
They’re going on a hunt --- you’re
not joining them?"
So who the fudge is Benedict?!
"GARETH
I do. But your methods... they’re
illogical. They were just
children, Father. Even I know that
this isn’t... this isn’t right,
man."
Holy fuck. That came out of nowhere. I thought this would be like an investigative episode with the revelation of the child killer at the end. That genuinely shocked me, which no doubt was your intention.
"He hath also prepared for him the
instruments of death; he ordaineth
his arrows against the
persecutors.”
(beat)
Our God is one who is not easily
impressed. The wicked --- they
belong here. Those children
didn’t. That’s what you need to
understand, Gareth. This place...
those things, Satan’s soldiers...
none of this is real. It’s a test.
You’re all left here, under God’s
will, because I’m here to shepherd
you away. I choose who’s worthy
enough to move on. Now I ask you
again if you’re going on a hike."
*stands and claps* Genius. Social, cold, sinister and most of all; fanatical. That was an amazing passage of dialogue which has just put this father Warden right on my radar. Recall I took a while to warm to The General. Too long in fact... Ok, I lied, I never warmed to him, but I sense this seasons true face of evil has stepped forward and after one scene, he is incredible. Epic dude, epic.
"--- inside the blanket, wrapped up, is a sleeping child. A
newborn by the looks of it. Barely a week old, if that."
Ok, like quarter in I think and this episode has so far been great. This is the Eden I like! Plot driven, mystery! None of this constant character conflict. This is damn interesting. Plus this episode has had an amazingly creepy vibe. The words of "Have a Nice Day" are haunting me because I'm waiting for them to become ironic haha.
"FATHER WARDEN
I do, I do. I just... I don’t
know if it’s too late."
Fantastic! You can just feel how Father Warden is manipulating Gareth. He's like a hooked fish. This is the writing I like. There is sub text here. It's obvious, but it's so engaging seeing a character walk into it so unaware. Great to see this dude. Character's playing and toying with other characters all sub-textually. Oh, by joy!
"FATHER WARDEN
You’ve told me this story before.
GARETH
(agitated - worried, even)
Just... just listen to me. Listen
to it one more time."
Quiet a good self aware way to get around being too expository here. This works incredibly well. You're showing your script writing abilities off to the full in this episode.
"GARETH (CONT’D)
My mother died early because she
was a good person. The good people
died first. The rest of us, the
damaged souls, the --- the fuckup’s, the flawed ones, we were left
here. Because we deserve it. And
now Judgment Day is here. I want
to help you, I do, it’s just...
trust isn’t exactly part of my DNA.
And what you asked me to do --- to
kill those children, to lead me on
my path to redemption --- it didn’t
click for me. It didn’t make much
sense. Kill the children to redeem
yourself? Those words shouldn’t be
allowed to combine --- that
sentence shouldn’t be able to
exist, but it does. And now I get
why. Because this is it... The
second coming. Judgment Day’s
approaching and you’re choosing the
people who deserve to be here for
it and the people who don’t."
I've always praised your monolgues. This was another strong one. A great character moment for Gareth too. I always saw him as a plot point. He was used for friction and an issue for our group. But now he's fast becoming a character... And more so, an interesting one. I still recall him spewing swear words and silly threats back in the interrogation room in the pilot.
"VOICE (V.O.)
...This is the captain of the
La
Fleur. We are bringing in a
shipment of food, but we have been
compromised. Until the situation
is defused, we will not be
delivering food to any locations..."
<3
"TOM
So you’re saying we’re not getting
food because someone’s attacked the
ship?"
This is becoming your new bad habbit. YES TOM, IF YOU LISTEN THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IS BEING SAID! Johno, think better of your readers, damn it! We don't need a character to point out the obvious. We get it.
"REGIS (CONT’D)
You bitch!!"
lol
"RORY
Where’d you hear that? Dr. Phil?"
I absolutely love you. I'm glad you listened to me. That's really made me grin.
"KITTY
People obviously think I’m
irritating, I just want... to fix
that."
Meta *nods* s'ok love. You're getting there quite fast.
"She steps back in a haze, mouth open like a guppy, as behind
Ash are TOM, SIDNEY, DARLA, LEIGH, PJ, MANILA, PHOEBE, MAL,
STILLMAN and the two other nameless technicians."
Awwww, Rory got them all! *tears up* How fucking sweet. I love him so much <3
"RORY
Yeah... a keeper."
Somebody's been bitten by the love bug!
"FATHER WARDEN (V.O.)
You pushed, you pushed, you pushed.
And guess what? God pushed back.
And now, as the day for the Second
Coming approaches... as Jesus
Christ will re-enter your lives,
you will all see... His wrath is
only just starting. “This is the
Lord’s Plague. Their flesh will
rot while they are still standing,
their eyes will rot in their
sockets, and their tongues will rot
in their mouths.” This is
Zachariah 14:12, for the modern
ages. The Bible states it,
predicts it, warns you of what God
is capable of, and you still poked
the Lord with a stick and tested
his patience, and now no human left
on this Earth will ever find peace.
The world is doomed, you all have
it, you all see it, you all know
it, deep down, whether you want to
admit it or not. One day you will
all become one of those things.
Unless you turn to God in these
final days before Judgment, you
will be left here on this earth, to
rot with the rest. The sinners,
the rapists, the pedophiles, the
murderers, the gay’s..."
Oh shit man... I'm gonna have to change a HUGE speech in Inferno
"She smiles cutely, but it falls silent. Ash’s expression is
one of confusion. He can’t trust her. We see it. And,
uncomfortable, he lifts his legs out of the water, removes
his hands from her grip. Jessie shoots up quickly too."
That was amazing. Great scene. I loved her flirty disposition, Ash feeling unsettled. Her questioning his past. Just all so great.
"DECLAN (CONT’D)
But I don’t trust you one bit.
IVY
Glad we can agree on something. "
I smell sexual tension!!!
"PHOEBE
There’s a traitor here and Rory’s
not giving me very many reasons to
trust him."
Oh fuck off Phoebe! It's obviously you!
"PJ
Not at all. I don’t believe her
story. She scares me. She gives
me weird vibes, I just...
(leans in, even quieter
now)
I think she was one of the
cannibals."
There is something wonderful about these young guys in this sleepover situation (of sorts) whispering late at night in their sleeping bags. It's so wonderful. I know the subject is so serious, but I can't take em seriously. It's actually heart warming how serious PJ is being at this moment. I really hope Jessie isn't anything dodgy. It'd be nice if for once a little ray of happiness for a character didn't turn around and bite them on the ass. And if she genuinely was a normal girl, it'd make this moment even more hilarious. It's a stand out point for me. Lovely scene. Trying to be so serious in such a ridiculous setting... I love P.J.
"JOHN SMITH
Question my morals, question my
motives, but never question my
leadership or my loyalty.
Everything I’ve done I’ve done for
the Last Chance Society.
(beat)
Libby is with the baby now. If you
want to see her, be my guest."
There's just so much to this guy. His charm, his curiosity, his commanding power. He's a fantastic character and truly captivating.
"JESSIE
C’mon... No. No. I know what
you’re thinkin’ but --- it aint’
true.
(beat)
We’re still friends right? I
thought I could be part of the
family, I thought we were gonna’
friends!"
Awww, poor kid. I hope this isn't an act because she's incredibly relatable in this exposed moment here.
"THWIP! Jessie’s head snaps back, the top of it and much of
her face blown off in a violent bloody mess. She falls back,
crumpling on the floor. DEAD."
Holy.fucking.shit. monkey.balls.
"GARETH
Kid, don’t be thinkin’ that just
because you’ve got that uniform on,
you’re out of good ol’ sheriff
Tommy’s shadow... ‘Cuz you’re not.
Is that why you haven’t gone back
for your friends yet? ‘Cuz you
like havin’ the power, makes you
feel good about yourself?"
Called it.
"CHRISSIE
I miss my mommy. When will she be
back?"
Yeah, where the hell is that crazy cunt?
"Father Warden takes a pen out --- and scratches through Ivy’s
name. With a disappointed expression, he puts the notepad
and pen away and then continues on his way."
Further mystery. I feel like I'm watching ZOMBIE LOST.
"“Vials are on the cruise. Keep an eye out, it’s on its way
over and should be hitting ground soon.”"
Oh this is all ever so interesting.
Johno, Johno, Johno... Never before have I actually got to the end of a 70+ script and wanted more. Jesus man. I think you can already tell how positive my response to this episode is gonna be. That.was.amazing.
I am lost. No idea what to talk about for once. Ok, the mystery. You just stepped up your game. Eden is 9 times out of 10 a really well paced show. This episode was your pacing masterpiece. Even the flashbacks sat nicely in there. Not once did I feel lost, not once did they confuse me or not make sense. Everything flew along nicely. And so many stories going along together! They just clicked! They had no connection (other than the odd subtle nod to each other like Ash's mention of Declan's past), but my God, not once did cutting to other story feel forced. It's something I struggle so much with in Inferno but you've mastered it. I'm learning from you here.
But take a step back... The mystery was incredible. The episode really was in control of itself. For possibly the first time I felt like I was completely helpless in a ER script, just going along for the ride. At first it looked like it was gonna play out as a stylized episode based on the disappearance of these kids, but that was fixed quickly with such an abrupt reveal I actually felt my jaw drop open. Epic. Then all this stuff about Rory being sneaky- surely not our Rory? Must be some porn or something. BUT FUCKING VIALS?! Talk about inject this show with something new. Amazing.
Then this mystery surrounding Jessie. I love how it was never solved. We'll never know if she was innocent or not and that moral grey area is a great thing to play around with. Because now Ash has to be regarded in a new light. We'll never know if he saved lives in the long term, or just murdered some innocent poor cow. Great playing with our morals there.
That was a fantastic moment actually. I could have done without the follow up dialogue where Ash justified himself to Darla. I think it'd have worked better if we as an audience had to make up our mind with Ash. It's one of those moments where if this was on TV, me and my friends would break out in a debate, split over the decision of the character. I personally think he shouldn't have killed her.
I'm interested in seeing where this takes Ash. Will it play on his mind that he might have possibly killed an innocent person? Interesting.
Libby was another mystery. There is such an air of sinisterness over everyone in that camp. John Smith is a wonderful subtle character. I like how you've built him. There is a lot there but it's all under this glossy exterior. It makes a great contrast from some of the other members of the cast who are constantly explaining their feelings *yawn*.
Also, I'm actually happy to see Declan back. I really did enjoy his scenes and his storyline. I did expect a lot more from the whole Chrissy thing though... I was like, "oh he's emotionally invested cause he... babysits her? whut?" But whatever, he was pretty great. He was a slight "I don't care" Sawyerism about him. And his scene late in the episode with Ivy was a wonderful scene and it really felt like the Declan I can recall from back on the farm. He just has this odd fearless way of talking to powerful and sexy women, which sub consciously could come from the fact he raped a woman. This lingering sense of power he probably isn't even aware of rests inside of him.
Kelvin made a lot of sense this episode. Once again, it didn't need Gareth to spell it out for us with the whole speech about Kelvin feeling important for once etc. Next script you write, I'd suggest you go back through before you post and just delete moments like them. They're not needed. Let us read your characters for you. It's half the fun. And you're a strong enough character writer for me to delve into the psyche of these people. I don't do it for many scripts.
Tom's group had little to do this episode, but it was nice taking a rest from them because prolonged exposure to them annoys the fuck out of me. The little they had was enough. Conflict free, thank god. In fact, their moments left me with a smile, especially, "Have a Nice Day" haha.
And now finally, the cherry on top of a great episode... Father Walden. Dude, I couldn't congratulate you enough on such a diverse fanatical crazed but deeply intelligent, manipulative, sinister, powerful man. I want more. You showed off your research to the fullest. Your religious dialogue was so believable and so airtight that I can actually see how people can be brain washed into believing that stuff. I had a similar monologue written for the next episode of Inferno which I'm gonna have to tinker because the parallels were painfully obvious. But I digress; he was awesomesauce. So commanding. I actually felt sorry for Gareth at points. How weird it is to write that.
I know as a writer how hard it is to write about something you don't really know, and to also write it convincingly. Shit dude, you just did. I'm learning, learning, learning.
9.5/10Take the good points, purge the bad, and deliver more like this. <3
<3